I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
