Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
