It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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