you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
