She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
