I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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