it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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