I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
