she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
