Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
