Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
