Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize