the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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