he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
