Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
