My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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