My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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