He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
