this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
