Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
