actually, I'm a sock model
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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