Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize