just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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