I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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