I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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