Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
