So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
