I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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