it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
