So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
