I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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