My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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