You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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