remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
