I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
