Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
