Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
