He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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