genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
