That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
