wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
