the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
