I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
