You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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