And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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