Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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