That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
