gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
