I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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