I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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