Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize