Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Randomize
