and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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