Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
