I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
