Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
