I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize