Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
