I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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