I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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