someone threw a dead crab at me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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