We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
